I’m a married man who's very much in love with his wife. Until recently, we’ve always enjoyed a good sex life and care deeply for each other. Some months ago I met another woman through work and, following a lot of texting, we ended up having sex. It is very exciting. I now find I can’t enjoy sex with my wife because I either can’t get hard or come very quickly. This doesn’t happen with my girlfriend. My wife is getting concerned. I've tried to end things with my girlfriend but it’s like we’re addicted to each other. How can I get back my old sex life with my wife and keep things good with my girlfriend? Neither knows about each other, and I'd like to keep it that way.
I don’t think I can tell you what you want to hear. It doesn’t seem fair that two of the people in this threesome don’t know of each other’s existence, so cannot make informed choices. And you want that to continue.
The problems described above are not unusual. While some men having an affair are able to have sex with both wife and girlfriend; many others enjoy sex with their lover, but experience difficulties with their wife (either they can't get/stay hard, they come too quickly, or both).
Why you might be having problems
This may be because sex with a lover is novel, taboo and exciting. If you’re not experiencing sexual problems with your girlfriend this might lead you to feeling more sexually confident, which, in turn, is going to reduce the kind of anxieties that lead to sexual difficulties.
If you’re having those kind of worries while with your wife, it’s not surprising you can’t relax and enjoy sex. Plus guilt over the affair may make it very difficult to connect. If you’re fearful of being discovered, and feel your sexual problems will give you away, then this too will add to your stress and worsen erection and ejaculation problems.
You could see your GP to address the psychosexual problems you’re experiencing. Since your sexual problems are person/situation specific, it’s unlikely the problem is physical. A doctor could refer you to a psychosexual therapist (or you could refer yourself) but a therapist would want to help you work out how to enjoy relationships in an honest way for all concerned, rather than colluding with you to help fix your sexual difficulties so your wife doesn’t find out.
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